Day 0. 0 Miles. Foot Print Cross-Check.

What in the actual fuck is this? No diving sign below a 0 feet 0 inch sign? Not one but two. I consider diving right in. It is my signature style after all. It doesn’t work. Are we this dumb that we need this at a wading pool. KRS-One was wrong: Stupidity reigns supreme over nearly every one. The babies meandering around in this splash pad section of the pool can’t even read anyway. Who the fuck? What the fuck? Why the fuck? With more questions than answers, this whole thing smells like the briefcase in Pulp Fiction.

Ropa Vieja cause I wear nothing but old clothes

Departure is upon me. The dearly departing. After earmarking three days pre-ride to relaxation and decompression, I am ready. Soy Listo, which I believe is a vegan entree. I got some sun and some sleep and I’m solid. Laying poolside in this resort-like enclave of life, I’m waving goodbye to all of the abundant sunshine and swimming and sloth. To be honest though. It’s not a total waste of life if you don’t have to exist outside of the gates here. I haven’t even left, except once for food. I see how I could see how I’d adapt to living in this hell hole, making do with whatever is still inside the walled like a ravenous vulture thriving in the desert. Nothingness is my prey.

All the Julies in the place say “Ow!”

A bikini clad MILF struts by, still eye-fucking me without shame. Not the stank eye version, the fuck with your eyes version. She looks like a julie. Gotta be her name for real. Really though Julie? Draw a sketch. Take a picture. Something else, it’ll last longer. Hopes and prayers that she doesn’t come up and ask me how many tattoos I have. Please. I can’t really complain about being objectified though; I’m genuinely impressed by how toned and fit Julie’s gorgeous body is — as her three kids waddle behind. They look like they got three baby daddies. Like some UN shit. I mean, I’ve never been called a motherfucker… in Siberia… but no thank you ma’am. I pass via inaction. Julie passes like that chick did the Pharcyde. Yeah, South Florida will keep you looking fit and young I suppose. If you can tolerate the tolerance of the preferred haven of serial killers, sexual predators, fascist gun-toters, geriatric drivers…

Tirade tangents and sexy shenanigans aside, Julie’s really less than 7% of the residents around here though. In my third eye, I’m waving bye to her. I’m waving bye to all of them, most of whom are Boomers who think they are cool. My old man likely being one of them. Maybe some of them are cool. Cool Boomers. Coomers. Koomers. I dunno. Seems like a contradiction at this point. At least irrelevant. Someone’s gotta be 70 or 80 or 90. And these are the types of folks who get way too excited about nudist beaches. Even for a naturalist like myself. Show up at a nude beach thinking you’re getting young hot and tantalizing tits and dicks and asses and nope — here in the US and A, 4 out of 5 times it’s nothing but gravity defeated boobs and knee-level balls covered in way too much thin gray hair. The boobs have gray hair too, I should mention. Should I have though? It’s a horrible experience, even if I was paid as a researcher. Was I though? This all makes many of you offended. It makes me yearn for a retirement in Europe, where the hot folks do get naked just to tell you about the weather on TV and the old fogies get to die with their dignity, should they so choose. And everyone gets housing and health care. Either way, it is clearly time to go. Before I can wave goodbye to them all I’m whisking away at 80+ mph in a gas guzzling death rocket – destination Orlando: where I’ll be handed off by my father Anthony to my cousin Anthony. These two Tonys (Tonies?) are goddamn human traffickers I tell you.

Let’s not get going on Orlando, like I didn’t get going on that mother!! I wonder why they haven’t made Orlando the Capitol city. Definitely of Florida. Maybe the entire USA. Did we give the Earth have a capital yet? Is there a nomination process? Orlando is not my kinda place, but in a world where I’ve seen 45 different countries and only two have neither a Starbucks nor a McDonalds – “American” culture is “winning”, worldwide. Tiger blood. I forget who’s side I’m on. I’m happy Cuba and Myanmar have the Wu-Tang Clan. Silver lining —- Fuck it, I’ve sold myself: Orlando for world capitol! We arrive. Lots of time in a car. Yuck. Rinse. Repeat. My cousin Anthony — aka Tony G or Dr G — has become a recurring character here on this site, and is probably commenting below. He also signifies my continued presence here in the land built by Walt D. Or he’s the reason for it. He doesn’t signify shit. Whoa. I almost forgot I’m driving right now. Like ahora. Traffic happens. It’s horrible. What a waste if life. Too much car for my mentals. It’s getting deep for me. What does it mean, triple rainbow?! Does this mean I’m getting old? Hell no. Does this mean I’m here to save my cousin from the grips of a consumption ouroboros? Hell no. Though both are probably true, my brain won’t allow me to believe. Does not compute. I’m ready to write it off to cosmic coincidence, when it hits me… Orlando, Cape Coral, the entire syphilitic penis of America that is Floriduh… it’s all just a real life MacGuffin…. Triggering my plot into existence. Yeah that’s it. That’s what I’m going with. I must really be here to fuck shit up. Let’s get to it.

Surviving and arriving into Orlando, the handoff between Tonies of the living cargo that is me goes smoothly. I’m now in another vehicle. Like right now. Not driving! Insertion point is along the Atlantic Coast. Having bicycled Miami to Key West in 2015, San Diego to Jacksonville in 2021 and Miami to Jacksonville in 2022, I’ve decided to begin the 2023 two-wheeled journey in – city — yet another one — named after Andrew Jackson. This motherfucker. Gimme a twenty dollar bill and I will give you a good piece of my mind. No really, gimme $20. I’ve spent a lot in gas money just to ride my bike 1,200 some miles. Most of it probably on the flight down. Neither my dad or cousin takes my money. It bes like that sometimes. I can’t control the rhyme. Everyone lowers the bar down here it seems. Even me. I’m grateful for my family’s help, otherwise I’d have had to fly in to Jacksonville. Yuck. I get to see them, chill for a bit and start where I left off, which is gonna super connectify the long ride map I keep back home. All of the above is usually the right answer. With my flight, my shipped bike, and these car rides, I’ve got a lot of carbon off-setting to get to. Let’s Get It Started. Hammer not BEP.

About tonycaferro

Entrepreneur, Citizen, Marketeer, Fire Fighter / EMT, Bicycle-Tourist, Booking Agent, Youth Mentor, Activist, Agitator, Coffee Addict, Foodie, Social Media Nerd, Amateur Film Critic, Son, Brother, Uncle & Rust Belt Representative. Follow me on Twitter @dtr45
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1 Response to Day 0. 0 Miles. Foot Print Cross-Check.

  1. Tony G says:

    No comment. (That’s cheap deconstruction from your academic cousin, Dr G.)

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